& it's the thought that counts.

I just wanted to write a blog to vent and maybe cause I can't sleep AT ALL!
well I should really be sleeep.
Well as of this moment I am feeling a bit envious of everyone around me. I really don't know what it is but I just have the little green monster inside of me. I wish that I could just do everything. Be that person that can make friends with everyone, then keep them. I wish that no one would hate me. I wish that everyone thought of me differently. I wish that knew who I REALLY was. I wish my boyfriend and I could just stop fighting forever. I wish that he would listen to me when I was talking. I wish that he would value how I feel. I wish I could be a better girlfriend as well. The one that could make him happy without anyone's help.
It's funny cause he seems happier when he's with everyone else. I seem to just bring him down. ALL THE TIME. I don't know why OR HOW I do it sometimes. I'm definitely not proud of it. I just don't see how it could ONLY be me who can just do that to him. It makes me sad. Knowing I 'm the only person who can do that to him. : (
I wish our relationship could be as perfect as people think it is. I wish we were really that cute couple everyone sees. I mean don't get me wrong. Sometimes we are that cute couple, but we no doubt have our downs. Lower than down. It's just frustrating sometimes. Like we could have the greatest time ever, then when it comes to the end of the day. RIGHT before it ends, a fight just appears. Is that like a sign that we aren't compatible with each other? That we aren't meant to be.
I always knew that he and I were too young. Honestly, we both think it. I think that were too deep in that "love" stage to get out of it now. Now, were just stuck in it together. Now we have to just manage. Sometimes, I feel like he could do SOOOOOOOOO much better than me. Sometimes, I feel he deserves WAYYY BETTER. If I make him so sad, shouldn't he be with someone he's happy with. Pinky promises or not, he should still be with someone better.I know he could get someone. I get jealous to almost every girl he talks to. Well not EVERY. Just the ones that seem like a good couple with him. Like he should be with her instead of me. It would suit him better. He would like it better.
I'm not saying that I don't want him though. I just wish that our spark wasn't dying out. Like as of now, we don't do anything romantic. No poems, no drawings, no gifts for no reason, nothing. I mean a relationship is not based on exchanging gifts, I understand that. BUT, if he did that before when he was inspired to write or in that "I really like this girl alot" feeling. What kind of feeling is he in now? Like I know he still tries. He tries to impress me with clothes ALL THE TIME. But sometimes I don't care about that. It would be like a minute reaction. Just a compliment. That's it. But I want to know he still loves me. I want a poem. I want him to be inspired cause he loves me. Sometimes I just doubt it. Most of the time I don't . Like I know for a fact I love him more. Well I believe I do. He would do anything for me ,but I would choose him over everything. I doubt he would do that. I asked him. He hesitates or asks what I would do first before answering.
Maybe I have talked about too many flaws about him. Maybe I should talk about the pros.
I love him ALOT PERIOD.
I get jealous of a girl who's super pretty and filipino. Maybe even just asian. I feel like if I make one single mistake, I will lose him.


...I don't want to lose him : (